Understanding the Survival Self

As complex trauma survivors, we may struggle with the question, "Who am I?" Our sense of self or our identity may feel elusive, unclear, unknown, or fragile. Coming to know ourselves is an important part of our development, which requires relational safety, trust, autonomy, validation, exploration, curiosity, and more. If our early relationships lacked these important qualities, and instead were emotionally and relationally neglectful and/or abusive, then our sense of self gets centered around survival.

When I reflect on who I was many years ago, I can see how most of my "personality"

was shaped and molded around survival. Let's call the "personality" I built to survive trauma my Survival Self, not my True Self.

The Survival Self

Here are some of the qualities of the Survival Self:

What else would you add?

The Survival Self is that part or parts of us that formed to help us manage complex trauma with the tools that were available to us at the time: people pleasing, dissociation, isolation, etc. The main motivation of the Survival Self is protection AT ALL COSTS, even if it costs us other parts of ourselves. Our Survival Self is what forms and steps in to help us get through what is happening to us.

The Survival Self's Strategies

Here's how the Survival Self operates:

• All behaviors are driven by the need to protect.

• Recognizes the lack of relational support, care, and co-regulation available.

• Triages pain: sending overwhelming trauma and pain into "storage".

• Hides and represses wounded parts of ourselves.

• Incredibly resilient and creative in forming "representatives" to deal with day-to-day tasks.

• Works hard at minimizing potentially painful experiences by assessing risk and vulnerability.

• Utilizes numbness/dissociation to keep trauma stored in the body at bay.

All of this happens unconsciously throughout our development and often culminates in the adult experience of not knowing ourselves: our needs, our emotions, our desires, our wants, our likes and dislikes, our opinions, our values, etc.

Bringing Compassion to the Survival Self

We often feel ashamed of our Survival Self, especially when we come into healing spaces. While it is incredibly painful to be a stranger to our own self and frustrating dealing with coping skills that don't work for us anymore, it is important to understand the purpose and function of our Survival Self. This part or parts of us got us here, to a place where healing is possible, where resources and support are available. In my experience, these parts of me want to be acknowledged, recognized, and appreciated for the ways they've protected me. Showing them appreciation and understanding their protective roles has helped them dial down as I introduce new ways of coping and healing from trauma.

As you reflect on your Survival Self, consider the ways you could get curious and understand this part better:

• Identify your Survival Self's skills - the ways you have coped due to trauma and abuse. Begin to bring awareness to this part of yourself.

• Consider why you had to develop these coping skills. Why did you need a Survival Self?

• What are the motivations of your Survival Self? How is it trying to help you?

• How would your Survival Self feel if they were acknowledged and understood versus shamed and criticized?

• How can you help your Survival Self feel seen and understood?

Resources That Could Be Helpful:

1. Curious about Parts Work? I'd suggest Reconciling The Ruptured Self - a guide that teaches you the basics of parts work. It brings compassion to our various parts and helps you learn how to recognize them and redirect them. ($11)

2. Putting the Pieces Together - this guide teaches you how to navigate inner conflicts, when parts of you don't agree or are pulling you in different directions. ($4)

3. Befriending Your Body Somatic Self Care Video Guide - In this guide, we utilize the inherent resources in the body to navigate our conflicting parts. We bring curiosity and compassion to protective parts so they can dial down. We learn how to SHOW our parts safety. (Payment Plans Available)