Nov 184 min read

It's Been Awhile: I Have A Story to Tell

It’s been awhile, and I have a story I wanted to share with you.

Before I started sharing my story and experience on Instagram over three years ago, I went back to school to get a writing certificate. I had thousands of words inside of me, dozens of stories I wanted to tell, and I wanted help learning how to share them.

The irony is that all of my life I've believed I wasn’t a writer. I was embarrassed of what I wrote for English classes, even as I penned secret poems at home. I’m not sure where the belief that I couldn’t write came from, but it was a powerful belief. It felt like a belief that I’d been born with - you just can’t write. Some part of me wanted to write, and some part of me said I couldn’t.

Here’s what I’ve learned about integrating parts of myself over the years: becoming whole isn’t easy. Welcoming parts that bring heavy and difficult experiences is challenging, that makes sense. But what is sometimes confusing is how hard it is to integrate what brings us joy, what speaks to our deepest longings and needs, what enlivens our hearts, what we hope and dream about, what lights us up. These are tender and vulnerable experiences that can feel scary to bring into the open. I’ve noticed that in the moments when I finally realize these things exist, something in me is quick to shut it down.

When I finally realize I need love and care, I try to do it all on my own.

When I finally realize I value rest and gentleness, I can’t sit down.

When I finally realize I am a writer, I can’t find my voice.

Reclaiming and welcoming my various parts has often involved a period of resistance, of contraction, of uncertainty, of denial, of struggle, that often comes in the moment you realize that part of you is seeking healing. I've been feeling that lately.

During my schooling, I started my Instagram account as an experiment. I had no idea what I was doing, yet I have been writing for the past three years. I have been sharing my story and experiences. I have been putting the words inside of me on the outside of me, and still I continued to deny I was a writer. Until recently.

One of the reasons integrating parts is so challenging is that it often requires changes, and change is scary and typically laced with grief and uncertainty. There are changes I have wanted to make with my work and have felt scared to take action on, because change impacts relationships. And isn’t that such a human thing - to fear how changing yourself will change your relationships. If I change, will people still be there?

To be honest, I've worried how the changes I want to make will impact this community.

In my experience, this has been a core component of healing and growth - learning to allow change in myself and others, learning to allow relationships to change and grow. It's hard, and it's worth it.

This community has been a huge part of my growth as a writer. I am so grateful that you have listened to and engaged with my story, my experiences, and my words. It has meant a lot to me and has helped me realize and accept a part of who I am.

As I embrace my writing and my vision for where I want to go, here are a few changes I am making:

I want to move my work off of social media and minimize my time there. I will be archiving my content on Instagram at the end of November. This means I will be removing the majority of my content from Instagram. I want what I have written to exist within my website, blog, and books. Also, while I have so enjoyed my interactions with you on Instagram and the community relationship I've developed there, my relationship with Instagram as a platform has been mentally draining and exhausting. Moving forward, I will be using my Instagram and Pinterest platforms as invitations or doorways to my website, newsletter, blog, and app. During the next couple of weeks, feel free to screenshot and save any content that has been helpful for you!
I want to slow down. Sustainability is an important goal for me as I continue with my writing and work. I want to return to a more organic and authentic form of creation. I will share blog posts and newsletters inside the daily flow of my life and commitments.
I want to highlight the work I've already created. One important realization I’ve had as I’ve come to accept myself as a writer is that I have already written several books that are beautiful and valuable, and I want to find ways to bring those books to more readers. I have been working on putting those books in print through Amazon. The first book available in print (and digital download on my website) is an UPDATED version of Befriending Your Body: A Somatic Guide to Developing a Healing Relationship with Your Body After Trauma. You can find it here: Befriending Your Body: A Somatic Guide to Developing a Healing Relationship with Your Body After Trauma (Survivor Wise Recovery Resources): Aird, Sara: 9798329371123: Amazon.com: Books. You can also visit my author page (me smiling widely) here: Amazon.com: Sara Aird: books, biography, latest update.