I'm going to honest and tell you that I wrote this post for me. However, I'm hoping that it speaks to and validates someone else out there who is a deep feeler.
For the past few years of my healing, I have been working really hard to accept and celebrate the undeniable fact that I am a deep feeler. As complex trauma survivors, I would imagine that many of you understand why that would be challenging without me having to explain or go into detail. This part of me hasn't felt very welcomed or loved over the years, and truthfully in many ways has felt ashamed or broken.
One of the ways that I started to notice and work with this part of me was through parts work. I found it quite ironic that a part of me that has held so much shame, rejection, and abandonment would appear like a kaleidoscope of colors. When I picture this part, it is like light and shadow through multi-colored stained glass. Sometimes the colors are darker; sometimes the colors are brighter. What is interesting is that the color is always there. It is the lightness and darkness that changes. The meaning I find in this image is that the full spectrum of my feelings are always present. Sometimes those feelings are heavy and dark. Sometimes those feelings are full of light and joy. Sometimes the light and the dark are all swirling together. When I look at this part of me, most of the time I marvel at how amazing she is.
Source: Unsplash - Sean Sinclair
My deep feeling part of me is the part that:
Sat next to me on the shore of Redfish Lake on a recent trip with a friend. She took in the clear blueness of the lake and sky. She smiled at the dark green forest lining the lake and the way the sun shone brightly over the whole scene. She smiled inwardly at the children giggling nearby as they entered the cold water. She smelled the sunscreen and tasted the crumbly raspberry sour cream muffin. She was wholeheartedly immersed and content.
Teared up most days on a trip we took to Redwood National Part because she read about how many redwoods had been cut down before the park was protected. She found the presence of these enormous and ancient trees so comforting and wished that more of them existed. She was so grateful she could see them that it brought tears to her eyes almost every day she was there.
Belly laughs almost every day. She finds the humor in daily life and laughs out loud intentionally. She laughs so hard her muscles ache, then laughs some more. She tries to take in as many smiles as she can each day, especially from those she loves. She tries to offer as many smiles as she can when she sees the people she loves.
Feels that grief might swallow her up some days because it feels so deep and wide. She is overwhelmed by the pain in this world and my own personal pain. Even as I've learned to befriend my grief and listen to it, this part still feels it intensely at moments. Ironically, as I heal, the capacity for my grief and what I grieve seems to grow.
I think that this is what feels tricky sometimes about being a deep feeler - that we can't necessarily pick and choose what we want to feel deeply. Days by the river and deep belly laughs are incredible experiences to have, and I'm grateful to be present and available to them. But it is harder sometimes to find the gratitude for the deeply felt grief, for the tears that also come almost every day. And I think it's hard because we've learned to be ashamed of those deep, darker feelings because of how they make others feel. I know this is the wrestle in me as I seek to accept and welcome my deep feeling part. Will those around me welcome her as well? If I let her be, what will they think?
I wish I could tell you I had it figured out. I don't. I just wanted to honor her and anybody else's deep feeling part today. I want to acknowledge that it can be BOTH beautiful and challenging, and I will continue to practice letting her be.
🥹🥲 Man, I resonate with this part deeply. Thank you for sharing. I could picture the colors changing as you shared your experiences. 💚
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us.
And also now I must find myself a raspberry sour cream muffin.